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Sit down with me as we think through some tough topics in a reflective way and examine some of the difficult issues that can trouble followers of Christ. My hope is that you’ll always come away with more to think about… RBC Ministries
To Forgive or Not
Posted by Mart De Haan
September 16th, 2008
Filed in Forgiveness, Ideas to think about, Relationships
14 Comments »
Yesterday, National Public Radio’s All Things Considered recognized the 45th anniversary of the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.
It was on Sunday morning, September 15, 1963 that Christopher McNair and his wife Maxine lost their 11 year old daughter, Denise, in the blast that also took the lives of three other girls. The day, with its tragic losses, became an important turning point in the history of the American civil rights movement.
Now 82 years old, Christopher was asked to recall his memories of that Sunday morning.
As the interview drew to a close, the NPR interviewer gently asked Mr. McNair about the subject of the sermon for that day, “The Love that Forgives.” Christopher pointed out that the message was never given because the blast occurred between Sunday School and the morning worship service. The church clock is still frozen at 10:22. Then came the question, “Have you found it difficult to forgive?”
Christopher said something like, “I wouldn’t say that I’ve forgiven… but you have to rise above such things…”
The question reminded me of how many times I’ve heard the victims of terrible crime asked whether they have forgiven the person who took the life of a child, a parent or a dear friend. It also reminded me of how followers of Christ disagree among ourselves about whether it is our responsibility to unconditionally forgive everyone who does terrible things to those we love.
Assuming that we would all agree that bitterness and hatred are self-destructive and reflect poorly on our faith in Christ, I’d like to ask whether you think our Lord asks us to forgive everyone?
And, do we even know for sure whether God has forgiven the person or persons who rigged 19 sticks of dynamite to go off in the basement of the 16th Street Baptist Church on 10:22, September 15, 1963?
Is forgiveness the only way to get bitterness and hatred out of our stomachs?
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Yes, we are called to forgive. Often it is no easy thing to do. Some, like Christopher, have not been able to and does that make them a lesser person? I think not. I have not walked in his shoes. I am not to judge. Does God forgive? Yes, when we ask for his forgiveness. He does. No matter what. That is His wonderful love. I am in awe trying to comprehend how much he loves me.
tallmark, thanks for getting the conversation going. The question I’d ask then is, from all we know of the Bible, does God forgive everyone?
of course God forgives everyone. One does have to seek forgiveness first. The enemy wants us to weigh sins so that the terrible ones seems unforgivable and the small ones seem almost condonable. If he can keep us from a relationship with the Lord he’s winning.
Hi Mart,in my own understanding,i believe that God forgives everyone that genuiely repent.But there is always a mark(consequences,regret or damage)that sin put on us. like king David in the bible,God forgave him but he still paid dearly.God is a loving father.
There we go again…forgive/forget! That’s so hard. Sometimes I find myself thinking about things that happened to me, people who hurt me and I decide that “I can’t forgive that!”, then the Holy Spirit will work in me and say, “Well, let’s compare THAT with all you sins..remember Jesus forgave each and every one of your sins. Which one is bigger and harder to forgive?”. Facing it, I have to forgive people who hurt me…but did I forget it? Should I keep staying in contact with them and give them another chance to hurt me? How can I forgive someone who didn’t ask me to forgive? WHo doesn’t even recognize they hurt me?
Once, I was subject of prejudice, looked down because of my skin color. That hurt me so much! WHen I confronted the people who did that, instead of saying that they were sorry, they laughed and said that they were joking! How can I forgive them?
I need all the help and prayer in this matter!
I agree with you, Mart.
It is painful but it is the best and only effective medicine to take out our bitterness. It is the power that takes off the heavy and consuming burden of hatred. My prayers are for God’s grace to the parents and also such victims. The Lord of course said “revenge is His”.
With much love and prayers.
Forgiveness is such a very difficult thing. In 1John 4:19 We love because he first loved us. and in Matthew 6:12 forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… So, I believe we are to forgive, but we can not do it without the intervention of the Holy Spirit. We are unable to do this on our own we must seek the Lord’s help. When the two criminals were hanging on the cross next to our Lord, one choose to believe, one did not, one choose to repent, one did not, and the Lord said the one who choose forgiveness would be remembered in his kingdom. Aren’t we also to choose to love and forgive? This is one of the deep mysteries of the faith. I don’t know exactly how it happens, this forgiveness, but I trust in the Lord who is faithful to all his promises in his word, and when we are called to forgive he and he only, will enable us.
Eph. 4:31 and 32 help me with this question. Vs. 31 says that all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor,slander and malice have to be put away from us. If we don’t, I think these attitudes will eat us up. Then Paul says to be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. Its part of the put off the old man, put on the new in this chapter.
When thinking of something that is so horrible as the bombing and killing listed above, it sounds impossible, and humanly speaking, I believe it is. It would be for me.
But Paul has just prayed for the Ephesians that God would strengthen their inner person with the power of the Holy Spirit that Christ may dwell in their hearts, be rooted, grounded in love (God’s type of love from Himself towards others that you and I cannot drum up from within) filled with the fulness of God Who can do “exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us”.
There are many I cannot love nor would I be able to forgive, but God can and does, and somehow does it through His people. Amazing. I take it that forgiveness works this way. When I can’t forgive, I need to confess it to God, ask Him to forgive through me.
Its all about Him, and He can work so that “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”.
It takes less than a minute to say what I just wrote. It takes a lot longer to do. If we could do these things easily, would we need God as much as we do?
It seems that many internet devotionals insist that we must forgive, because if we don’t the “hatred” in us will eat us alive and we cannot consider ourselves “Christian”. With love, I see it differently.
Whenever anyone humbly approaches God and asks for forgiveness, it is surely guaranteed. The thief on the cross was forgiven in his last hour because of his repentance and request for Jesus’ remembrance of his changed heart. So, whenever anyone asks us for forgiveness, we are to surely, lovingly, and sincerely forgive them as God forgives us. Luke 17:3-4, “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” (That is love in action.)
But, God does not forgive those who do not repent. That is shown to us in a number of verses besides the last reference in Revelation 22:14-15, “Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter by the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs and the sorcerers and the immoral persons and the murderers and the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices lying.”
The ones “outside” are the ones who refuse to repent and look to Jesus for forgiveness.
Jesus warns us of hell in Mark 9:43 “If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life crippled, than, having your two hands, to go into hell, into the unquenchable fire, where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.”
God has loved everyone who ends up in hell. He even died for them and asks them to repent. But they refuse.
Besides being perfect love, God is also perfect justness and righteousness. Being perfectly just means there must be a just punishment for the unrepentant. God does not forgive the unrepentant because they do not want to be forgiven. So, they receive their just reward.
God has commanded us to love our enemies. Therefore, we love those who sin against us as God continues to love us in our sinful natures. But, forgiveness comes with a repentant heart.
God is not “eaten up with hatred” when He does not forgive, because He still loves the sinner and seeks to save him – as we should.
“To forgive” is the very crux of our Christian faith that sets us apart from all other faiths, religions and philosophies of this world. To ensure a moral social order the person or persons will certainly have to face the legal consequences for committing that dastardly act. Of course, they can also be recipients of God’s forgiving love which He offers unconditionally if they wanted to accept it.
It is very hard to forgive a stranger who suddenly comes and kills our loved ones without cause. We cannot excuse the offense or even forget the pain caused by it, we may not be able to ever trust the person who wronged us and though forgiveness is an act of reconciliation we may never be completely reconciled till the day we die.
However, when we obey God’s command to forgive, regardless of repentance, we heap coals of fire on the head of our ‘enemy’. And yes, it is for our own good because even God forgives us for His own sake (Isa 43:25)!
A teacher once taught me that forgiveness is a process not a feeling. Forgiveness does not mean I will never forget (but God does). It does not mean what was done to a person was right and it does not mean we have to hang around with that person. Forgiveness means letting go of trying to punish the offender and giving it to God to deal with. This process may take some time but even when a person never asks for forgiveness we still have to give it to God and forgive them. Without forgiveness we punish ourselves and are continuously carrying the burden of the offender with us and it can cause a lot of physical aliments such as ulcers, etc. and anger which leads to selfpity, the list goes on. Obviously God forgives all because at the cross He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing”. None of us at that time asked for forgiveness but He still forgave us. I do not feel His forgiveness has conditions or it would be earned. I know for sure I never earned that forgiveness and I have been forgiven much, you do not even know.:-)
Love is not even a feeling it also is an action word that says we are going to seek the highest good for the one loved. If we are going to love them and ourselves then forgiveness is a must. It all goes hand in hand as we walk with our hand in HIS! It is much easier to look at our own sin and realize we have forgiveness than to harbor resentment or anger at someone else’s sin.
The process can take time but it is worth it!
Margaret, I believe that “eat us alive” comes from the text in Heb. 12:15 “looking diligently over lest any one be failing of the grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up may give trouble, and through this many may be defiled;”.
I know for a fact that that “root of bitterness” is very poisonous. Once we start mulling over things that have been done to us, we start getting angry and who knows what one can be able to do.
We need to forgive and forget, and yet, it’s so hard. I can only repeat the words of the great apostle Paul “A wretched man I [am]! who shall deliver me out of the body of this death? – I thank God — through Jesus Christ our Lord; so then, I myself indeed with the mind do serve the law of God, and with the flesh, the law of sin.” Rom.7:24-25
I thought I would share a blog that I had written on this subject. The “scars” that I talk about, are to symbolize what creates our testimony. Just as a bodily scar, there is a story behind how it happened etc.
God bless!
The bible says that we are to forgive, but does it say that we are to forget? What does “forgive” mean anyway? It is defined as, “allowing room for error or weakness”.
Many times these “errors or weaknesses” cause hurts that leave scars. Scars that may not be visible to the human eye, but they are felt in your heart. If these scars did not remain, what would keep us from forgetting?
Just as if you cut your arm; a scar replaces the open wound. The scar is an end result of the healing process. It is a part of you. You can choose to be disfigured by your “scars”, or you can choose to learn from them.
Often times a hurt that has not been forgiven is like an open wound. It has not yet turned into a scar. Until you are ready to let the scab begin to form and the scar to appear, you will continue to hurt. Like me, you may find that you have to forgive your offender over and over again every day until the healing process begins.
God says to forgive, but I don’t think that He wants us to forget. If forgiving meant forgetting, then wouldn’t we continue to let others hurt us over and over again in the same way?
Unforgiveness can kill the spirit and steal the joy from your life. Being filled with this negetivity leaves no room for growth. Just think of all the greatnesses we miss out on by choosing not to forgive? Is it worth it? I don’t think so!
Matt 6:14-15
14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father
to RBC been thinking
I just turned 50. I became a Christian 10 years ago. Some times I wish I had come to faith in a different environment. So many around me seemed to be lost in tradition and legalism, but not Grace, Mercy, not forgiveness.
I came to faith in a church that “faithfully” taught the bible, verse by verse, chapter by chapter, book by book. We took pride in how diligently we studied to show ourselves approved. And when you left the church building you could drive around listening to an affiliated radio station and continue to be taught the Bible.
As the Bible was taught to me I was also taught to “be ware” of “Greasy Grace”. I was taught that there were all kinds of things that Christians shouldn’t do because those types of behavior were a bad witness for Christ.
Now, I wish I had been taught that I had to forgive others or I would not be forgiven, period, Mat 6:15, regardless of whether the offender had asked for forgiveness or not.
Back then, when it came to Mat 5:39b ..but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. This verse seldom received more than a mere reading by those I was learning from . An if they did comment on that verse, it was usually something equivalent to “God doesn’t expect you to be a doormat”.
Was Jesus a doormat as he pleaded for his father to forgive those putting him to death? Was Steven a doormat when he asked “Lord, do not hold this sin against them!” speaking of Jewish elders and those of the council who were stoning him to death?
No! God did not allow them to be doormats, but because of their unwavering trust in him, God used them to be welcome mats, into the Glorious Kingdom of heaven.
I have learned so much about God’s love, and grace and mercy, not from the hundreds of preachers and teachers on the airway, and behind the pulpits of the mega-churches of our age but through simple obedient acts of forgiveness by simple people.
Earlier this year I was blessed to catch a news clip of a woman in a courtroom, pleading for the life of a man who was both her daughter’s killer and the father of her daughter’s 3 year old son.
She expressed that she had forgiven her daughter’s killer and that it was her hope and prayer that she would be able to raise her grandson to forgive his mother’s killer, his dad, also.
That was perhaps the first time when I felt a certainty from the spirit that God would answer a specific prayer.
And as far as “forgiving and forgetting”, I believe we have a biblical mandate here as well. Jesus told us that we are to “love our enemies” and his servant Paul said that “Love” does not take into account a wrong suffered, or keeps no record of wrongs, does not keep score.
Yes, demonstrating this brand of love and forgiveness will require us, to at times place our trust, our future, and yes maybe even our lives, squarely and securely in God’s hands, and to do this by choice.