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Forgiveness Alternatives

Forgiving those who harm us is only one way to soften our bitterness and anger. Sometimes there are better ways. My reason for emphasizing this is that sometimes it is important to lovingly withhold forgiveness from those who have not yet recognized their wrong. But before going into that in more detail, let me give some examples based on the Romans 12:17-21 text that I referred to in my last post.

In light of what Paul said about breaking the cycle of returning evil for evil, see if you agree that in our relationship with Christ we should be able to find a number of other factors to help us deal with our anger and bitterness.

Faith in God– Are we willing to trust God when he tells us “Vengeance is mine, I will repay”. Are we willing to let him deal with the one who has harmed us? Can we trust our Lord when he shows us that it is better to trust in him than to try to get even with, or one up on, the one who has hurt us?

Humility– Can we hear behind such counsel the gentle reminder that we ourselves are inclined to return evil for evil? Paul would not urge his readers to not return blood for blood if we ourselves were above wanting a pound of flesh from those who have hurt us. Our own fallen inclinations are reason to seek God’s mercy for ourselves.

Love– When Paul tells us to seek the good of our enemy and to overcome evil with good, he is being true to the teaching of Christ. It was Jesus who first showed us that there is nothing distinctively Christian about loving our friends. We are far more likely to reflect his presence in us when we love our enemies (Luke 6:31-36). The implications are clear. We can’t be planning how to get back at someone if, from our hearts, we are praying for them and seeking their good.

Hope– When our hope is in God, we are not just living in the anger of the moment. Instead we are being lifted up by the anticipation of one day seeing that we have brought delight to the One who died not only for us– but for our enemy.

Before looking closer at what it means to lovingly forgive, or to lovingly withhold forgiveness, can you see that offering “unconditional forgiveness” is not the only way to break the cycle of evil for evil? Can you think of any other Christian graces or virtues that would also help us deal with our anger toward the one who has not admitted wronging us?

And, please, if you have any other questions, please ask them now. I don’t want to assume that we’re on the same page? Or are you waiting to see where I’m going to land :-)?

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6 Responses to “Forgiveness Alternatives”

  1. Mike says:

    I think the most common thing Christians do when they’ve been wronged is to talk about it with others in an effort to lower someone’s status or stature. I don’t want people to think highly of the person who has offended my by their arrogant behavior, so I tell others how offended I am and how arrogant the other is. A true Christian grace would be to make efforts to focus on the person’s good points. The old adage “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I’m finally at the point where I don’t say anything at all, and I’m working toward being able to say something nice.

  2. Thomas Brown says:

    The above posts, I can not begin to change. I can however add to. I myself am the chief of sinners. I mean that. Most times I find when I am faced with the choice to forgive or not, I am reminded by the Holy Spirit that I am guilty of having at some time in my life having commited the same offense or closely related offense. How can I not foregive the thing I have done? I can withold it lovingly if I have been there, not wanting to see them wander down the paths I have walked. I have a real problem with my children understanding this. ” But Dad, you did it.” I am reminded that we are all apprentices in this life. John 8 sums it up for me.
    In Christ,
    Thomas Brown

  3. je7elle says:

    Something that can help us to deal with our anger towards others who have not admitted to doing us wrong is to take the same attitude as Christ did on the cross as Luke 23:34 records- Then said Jesus, Father forgive them;for they know not what they do. And they parted his riment, and cast lots.
    He suffered many things before calvary. A crowd followed, and couldn’t wait for his ultimate demise, yet he asked that they be forgiven.
    I read that one day and to mind came some of my sin how I never considered-even fully understood the consequences to follow, or how bad a choice I was making in the moment. No, the realization of what could go terribly wrong, and how wrong, or how flaw I was for even making such decisions came after the dirty deed was already done. Many of us can relate I am sure!!! Something so simple, and seemed harmless did much damage.
    Sometimes people-we do not know what they-we do. They do not know how deeply their actions effected your life. They do not understand how hurt you will be, or how inconvienced, or that the affects will reach far beyond you….say maybe touch your family. Sometimes we do things out of our selfish desires not meaning to harm anyone, yet we are in sin, and we end up tearing something up. We must realize our offender does not know that they are crucifying the Lord of Lords!
    It is easy for me to forgive as I examine myself and the things that I have done. I find myself understanding where Christ was coming from when he prayed that prayer on the cross…”Father forgive them…” If we focus on Christ, and how he suffered, his attitude, behaviour, and purpose, and we examine ourselves forgiving becomes simple. This process helped me. I struggled for years with forgiveness. I hope it will help someone else.

  4. ErnieA says:

    I just finished reading R.T. Kendal’s book “Total Forgiveness”. Within it he claims that if we don’t forgive, we will not be forgiven (we lose our fellowship with God). I would be interested in any thoughts concerning this teaching.
    I tend to agree with him.

  5. poohpity says:

    Me too!

  6. etw2004 says:

    I appreciate this post! There are two people I have been hurt by and I am having trouble being able to let go of the hurt. The first was simply a comment made years ago by a friend. My anger came because it discouraged my daughter and embarrassed me. So pride is part of the problem. She does not even know how her impulsive comment hurt me, and I feel I overreacted.

    The second person was my son-in-law. For years he abused my daughter, finally attempted to kill her in front of me and their children. He is in jail and has not asked for forgiveness at this time, but I’m not sure that would make a difference, he has asked for forgiveness in the past, I’d forgive but then he’d continue his behavior.

    I do pray for both of these people, especially my son-in-law. I believe it would be best if he was healed and whole and could love my daughter and his kids as God would have him do. I don’t doubt God could help him if he’s willing. But I don’t really want him back in our lives.

    This post helped me to remember that God is in control. Vengeance is his. He saved my daughter’s life, he will direct the future for my son-in-law. He will give me the grace to forgive him.

    So “faith in God, humility, love and hope” are the keys to finding peace and allow me to love and pray for both of these people again. Thanks!

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